No one is coming to save me

No one is coming to save me. No hero is going to come for me. No one will save me but myself. I don’t know how to save myself. I am trapped in a dark, sad place and while I can sometimes find the light, the darkness is always waiting nearby, ready to swallow me whole again.

I am overwhelmed with the enormity and vastness of this life, this universe. I don’t know what parts of my life have meaning and which parts are trivial. I cannot foresee a future where all my dreams come true. Where the deepest hopes of my soul could become reality. Even now, as I sit here, I realize that while I want so many wonderful things, I am realistic when I say that most of them will not come to be. No one is coming to save me. No one would want to.

I’ve been waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, save me from a burning building, breathe air back into my lungs,

Or, at the very least, save me from myself. I thought I found that person once or twice, but I was wrong.

They didn’t need me as much as I needed them.

I needed them because I’m fractured and broken and they are what filled my cracks up again. The only problem is that I handed over the title of “savior” to people who didn’t particularly want the job. While I may have needed saving, they weren’t ready or willing to step up to the plate.

So here I am, back again. Reminding myself that no one is coming to save me. No one.

No one will save me but myself.

But how do I do that? How do I save myself?

This is the problem I’m running into. Most days, I feel like becoming my own hero is something I’m capable of doing. Most days, I feel strong and empowered and self-assured.

But some days, I have a hard time putting on pants or brushing my teeth, let alone pulling myself out of the darkness. Some days, I’m convinced that I’m worth neither the effort nor the sacrifice.

It’s like I’m swimming toward a life boat in the distance, but the stormy waves keep pushing me back. The boat’s light is flickering in and out of view, but I can’t bother fighting the current. On those days, I submit to the water surrounding me and surrender with newfound enthusiasm. I cannot bring myself to seek refuge.

The life boat is there with its anchor dropped, but there is no one aboard that watercraft who will jump out into the dark abyss to find me. No one is coming. I am left alone in the swirling depths of the vast ocean, and no one is coming to save me. I’d like to say I’d swim for help, but I think we all know I won’t.

Not only because I don’t want to, but also because I don’t know how to swim.

Written 1/23/16

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